last thing on my mind

And Hello!

2005-11-05T20:25:00.000-12:00

I shall make no excuses... I have been being a total bum since graduation! And as soon as I figure out how to add more pictures, I will share some from that day. What an exciting day it was!! Anyway, three months later I'm now working two jobs (why did I rush to graduate again?) and looking for a better one in Houston. I found a very promising one, and I'm hoping to hear from them very soon!! I'm dying to move away from here, but explaining that could take ages.

Speaking of ages, I will be getting a new one next week!! How exciting! Perhaps I would be more excited if the boy who was supposed to call me weeks ago actually did... now that I think about it, there's two of those boys who were supposed to call. Way to represent. Sorry to run, but I have more exciting things to do on a Saturday night, even without those boys! Now that I know my username and password again, I will try stopping by more often. Happy Trails.

Hello Fans!

2005-09-05T21:43:00.000-12:00

I know you have all missed me dearly! Fear not, I am well. Let me catch you up!

I graduated at the end of July (perhaps I should post a picture! I would if I knew how!) I've been looking for a job (sort of) and contemplating moving since then. I have an interview on Wednesday, so I should really be preparing for that. I have mixed feelings about it, so we'll just wait and see how it turns out first and what they're willing to offer me. Any further explanation of my situation would make the task of reading this entry too daunting for you all, so I'll keep it simple. I'm facing some big decisions right now though, and I'm needing some guidance!

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas on a free web host for my site, I would greatly appreciate it. I've been using Yahoo Geocities for the last 3 years or so, but my computer really doesn't like the program so I'm looking for something new! You can't do much with it anyway, and I'm looking for something new and exciting.

Miss Me?

2005-07-06T19:06:00.000-12:00

HA, bet you wondered when you'd see me again!! It just so happens that every time I would remember my long neglected blog I was at home... in my penthouse apartment with no internet. Yet no one has called me! If you truly missed me, why has my phone not rung with concern?

No matter. I'm finishing up my last THREE, count them... 3 credit hours as an undergraduate!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, and in the next two weeks, I will be walking down the only aisle I ever wanted to walk down... to get a fancy diploma that won't even list my major, and having the words "Cum Laude" written beside my name!! No, that's not Latin for "For a good time call...." Pay attention here.

I've been busy with classes, getting graduation announcements together, and finishing and sending out resumes and cover letters to all the lawyers within the county to try to get myself an internship. Because Lord knows the people here who are supposed to be SOOO helpful and set all this up for you have not returned my six phone calls. Screw them... I don't have life to waste!

And for Jack, I went from a nice solid B in that class to a nice solid A with just the final and the paper.... so he must have liked something about my sarcasm!

I apologize to all of my fans for my absence (perhaps Jon will start checking for me again), and I will try to remember how your day is not complete without hearing me ramble out loud. Enjoy the summer! This world is BEAUTIFUL!!

Being a senior

2005-04-29T13:17:00.000-12:00

has earned me the right to either a) not care about risks I may take; and/or b) be a smartass anyway!

I had a comparative psychology paper to write over a critter of my choosing. Naturally I picked the spunk-tastic pink flamingo (like yours truly) because I thought it would be fun. Ignoring the fact that I waited so long to actually write the paper, I couldn't feel done with it until I had somehow included plastic yard flamingos!! I figured my professor was the kind of guy who would appreciate that, especially having to read these long and boring papers from everyone.

So after my sections of phylogeny, relatives, evolution, and natural history, I wrote: : ".... A matter of years after that, a new species evolved, scientifically referred to as Phoenicoptertis ruber plasticus, commonly used to decorate lawns and celebrate birthdays."

There is no other mention of plastic yard flamingos until you get to the end. After seven or eight pages of boring scientific blabbidy blah and current threats to the species, I concluded by saying: "Pink flamingos continue to be a symbol of tropical paradise for many and suffer a high rate of theft when used as lawn ornaments."

Wow... I really feel like I have some balls, LOL!

Despite the effects of this daring risk, I have officially turned in my LAST PAPER and did my LAST PRESENTATION as an UNDERGRAD!!!

Thank You for Calling....

2005-04-24T16:21:00.000-12:00

I have had so much company over the phone for the last few weeks!! It's wonderful! I've missed long and pointless conversations! Granted, my phone rings quite a bit, but these calls are different.

It's sooooo mind boggling when you can laugh, "get riled up," and think beyond conventions in the same conversation. It's so cool when someone is that captivating that even though you feel like you might not know them that well, you could spend the rest of your life trying, and they would always surprise you with something else. I'm really at a loss for words, but I'm THRILLED!

On another note, Sailor has jokingly requested that I drive down there and pick him up when he gets discharged. It was completely a joke when he said it so that he doesn't have to spend 3 days on a Greyhound, but we're both considering it now. It's just so random... and it would be so much fun. We're looking at stopping in Haunted New Orleans on the way back. A hotel is a possibility, but we're both so free-spirited that a car would work just as well to sleep in. Once again, something completely random, completely unconventional, and something we'd both completely love!!

It's such a strange feeling, but it's almost like I know how much more enjoyable everything would be in his company.... hmmm....

Stay Tuned!

2005-04-14T11:23:00.000-12:00

I may just catch me a sailor!!

I'll let you know!

FSK Part Zwei

2005-04-12T11:24:00.000-12:00

It's so sad when you think for the first thirty minutes after you get up that it's Thirsty Thursday, and you're almost done. Then you realise, it's only Stinking Tuesday! As promised, the differences:

"There are more differences between genders in this crime than similarities, and many of these differences proved more interesting than the similarities when researching the topic. The primary difference is the motive for their actions; whereas males are sexually motivated to commit serial homicide (Truelove, 2005), females are typically motivated by personal gain, usually monetary (Keheller & Keheller, 1998). Many of the subsequent differences will refer back to the initial motivational factor for the crime. The general modus operandi for each gender is also important to note. Where males tend to favor more violent and overt methods of killing their victims such as shooting or stabbing (Truelove, 2005), females utilize less violent and more discreet methods of killing such as poison or suffocation (Keheller & Keheller, 1998). The victims each gender of serial killer targets are also specific to their particular motivation to kill. Male serial killers primarily chose one preferred gender and will carry out the fantasy of sexual homicide with these individuals who are usually strangers to the killer (Truelove, 2005). In stark contrast, females chose victims based on their relationships with the individuals (Keheller & Keheller, 1998). Victims of females are typically at least casual acquaintances and more often "intimates," or closely connected with gender not being an important factor in selection (Keheller & Keheller, 1998). Finally, the average period of activity before being caught for males is only four years in comparison with eight years for most female serial killers which can also be attributed to their respective differences in modus operandi (Keheller & Keheller, 1998)."

Do I have any potential?

2005-04-11T23:05:00.000-12:00

I'm letting you all decide-- because I'm bored and can think of nothing after writing all that I have this evening, I am sharing with you all the glory of female serial killers. I shall post chunks of my paper in the order that they will make the most sense, and you all can see how the apparently numerous references I've made about FSK in my blog relate to my life. HA, there was a point! I'm not just sadistic. Keep in mind, this is a work in progress with at least 3 more professional sources to be consulted. I'm even including the references I have thus far so no one can say, "Hey Idiot, you can plagarize online too!" Alright, first chunk (introduction omitted):

"In as far as both genders commit serial homicide, there are several similarities one can note between males and females and their commission of such a crime. The FBI maintains that all homicides can be classified as either organized or disorganized, and this is how the bureau approaches profiling serial killing as well (Ressler, 1988). The studies conducted by the FBI at the time, however, include only male serial killers, and many other methods for categorizing serial killers have developed since the FBI produced theirs (Ressler, 1988). All serial killers, regardless of gender, meet the same criteria to be classified as such which include taking three or more victims with an emotional cooling-off period between homicides (Truelove, 2005). The average ages for first homicides by male and female serial killers, at early to mid-twenties, are another comparable factor (Keheller & Keheller, 1998). There is also evidence that the majority of serial killers of either gender are typically very organized and plan their criminal actions in advance (Keheller & Keheller, 1998; Ressler, 1988)."

References
Kelleher, M. & Kelleher C. (1998). Murder Most Rare: The Female Serial Killer. Westport, Connecticut: Praeger Publishers.
Pollak, O. (1950). The Criminality of Women. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: University of Pennsylvania Press.
Ressler, R.K., Burgess, A.W., & Douglas, J. E. (1988). Sexual Homicide: Patterns and Motives. Lexington, Massachusetts: Lexington Books.
Truelove, R.S. (2005). Lecture at Ball State University. Muncie, IN. (February, 2005).

Stay tuned next time for: differences between male and female serial killers! Sweet dreams!

A Roadmap

2005-04-08T21:25:00.000-12:00

is always a useful thing to have when going somewhere.... and I've found out that life is really no different except that sometimes you get handed a random map and are told to get to a specific point on it with little to no additional instructions. I'm one to freak about and get very anxious when I'm going someplace new, especially by myself.

I thought I was going to Denver until a few days ago. My best "go-to" people have all recommended I get a PhD rather than a Master's if I can. Even the best, most experienced people don't have job security with FOUR Master's compared to a PhD-- e.g. my astounding professor. Denver is about 1500 miles away which is a slightly larger estimate than it is. The point is, the PhD program that came so highly recommended is at UTEP!

Suddenly my excitement about being that far away has changed a bit. It's surprised me because I thought half the lure of Denver was that it was so far away. Secondly, I've always wanted to experience Texas-- not visit, not see... it's been almost as enchanting as the possibility of ever seeing London for me. Now that I have the chance, I'm very hesitant to go.

Someone handed me a map, and I can figure out how to get there... but what if I don't like that particular map? I really have little choice I suppose... and I know that even when you set out to a particular spot, sometimes you run in to a detour. You may just never make it there, but I guess you'll never end up anywhere if you don't head for the horizon.

Looks like I took the wrong foreign language.

Technological Innovations!

2005-04-01T15:36:00.000-12:00

Of ALL the things that technology has made possible day, I am most amazed by Easy Cheese!! Seriously, I'd never had it until a few days ago, and in those few days, my roommate and I have eaten almost 3 rolls of Ritz crackers with that stuff.

But seriously... how many people 100 years ago would have thought, "I wish I could keep my cheese in a can and just spray it when I needed. And no refrigeration! Wow!! Wait, what the hell is a refrigerator?"

Anyway, I find Easy Cheese highly wonderous-- sprayable cheese in a can that require NO refrigeration! What will they think of next?

So much for stalking!

2005-03-29T23:28:00.000-12:00

Long story short, my roommate's boyfriend and I caught the city bus today, but we got on a stop after we normally do... which is where Steve (see #58 on my 100 list) gets on. As we were walking down there, I told R.B. that I thought that was Steve already standing there.

"You mean the one with the girl hanging on him?"

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Say it ain't so!!

It was him... and as always, I couldn't help glancing over at him once in awhile... just because I find him so wonderfully seductive, lol... and until I could finally get off the bus, I had to watch her hang on him. Which is completely un-hot considering how much hotter he was when I thought he was single.

At least now I have a reason for not asking him out. The only bright side. Now the incentive for attending my last class on Tues and Thurs is entirely gone! So much for stalking random HOT men on the bus... what's a girl to do? :-P

My 100 List

2005-03-27T19:43:00.000-12:00

Alright, the suspense is over.... Enjoy 100 useless facts about Annette!!

1. I was named after the Mouseketeer.
2. For the longest time, I could not stand not having my toenails painted.
3. I slurp the first part of anything I drink out of a can. I don't know why.
4. My family has always tried to tell me that I am adopted.
5. I own more pens and pencils than I will ever be able to use.
6. My two favorite teddy bears have a scrapbook with only pictures of them.
7. Forensic Psychology thrills me.
8. I'm religious about working out and eating right.
9. I hate drugs (of any kind) and hospitals.
10. My furniture is often rearranged when I get bored.
11. I am a recovering packrat.
12. I consider myself a Feminist.
13. No, I do not own combat boots or refuse to shave.
14. Knives scare me.
15. I like watching my leg muscles when I do leg presses. Narcissistic, I know.
16. I shave my legs everyday, even when it’s freezing and I’m staying in.
17. My roommate and I have known each other since third grade. Awwwww....
18. I have owned goldfish named “Dog Show,” “Pee Bop,” "Fuzzy Bob," and "Scuba Steve."
19. When I was little, I refused to eat corndogs because I thought only dirty people ate them. Sarah changed my mind.
20. I secretly cannot wait to have my own home or apartment (and some money) so I can decorate it any way I want!
21. I am in love with Elvis Presley, Bon Jovi, and the Rat Pack!
22. I do not like my sorority.
23. Everyone makes fun of my little feet.
24. I worked on a dairy farm for a year, mostly milking cows twice a day but sometimes even getting to collect urine samples!
25. I’m very good at keeping the bathroom, living room, and kitchen very neat and clean, but my bedroom door is closed for a reason.
26. London, England enchants me.
27. As a little girl, I thought I was going to marry my dad. Shhh...
28. The first time I cursed in front of my parents, my mom shared with me what irish spring soap tastes like!
29. I spent the summer living with lesbians.
30. I love garden bathtubs. If you don’t know what those are, it’s not what it sounds like.
31. I HATE “chick flicks.”
32. Chocolate is my favorite ice cream flavor, but I don’t care much for regular chocolate.
33. I have an irrational fear of papercuts.
34. No, seriously. I lay awake a while at night not being able to stop imagining that burning feeling when you get one! ACK!
35. I’m working on graduating “cum laude.” Yippee!
36. I have had four majors and credit from four schools.
37. Cheddar Chex Mix is my cat nip.
38. My dream job when I was little was to be a racecar driver.
39. When I started college, I thought I was going to live or work on a dairy farm ultimately. I was in love with cows.
40. I always wanted to learn how to play tennis.
41. “Oh, show me the way to the next KARAOKE BAR!!”
42. I went to my senior prom only because Erika threatened me if I didn’t go.
43. One drink is all I need to start thinking everything is pretty damn funny.
44. I thought it would be really cool to live in an old school bus when I grew up.
45. I took 6 years of dance-- jazz and ballet.
46. I’ve never mentally planned my wedding as most females have by age 10.
47. Nor do I know what my kids will be named already. Never thought about it until recently.
48. I supported my local hooker for 2 years... playing rugby.
49. My older sister is my best friend.
50. I hate underwear.
51. My hands get sweaty a lot.
52. I go to Texas Roadhouse just for a sweet potato.
53. I hate those stupid Anne Geddes babies!
54. I am torn between saving ALL my money for grad school or allowing myself to buy that classic Mustang!
55. I just learned this weekend that there is no Easter Bunny!
56. I re-pierced my nose.
57. My mother still hates it.
58. I ride the city bus home on Tues and Thurs just to see this cute guy named Steve. ooooo, steeeeve!
59. My roommate laughs at me for it.
60. I wish there were more hours in the day.
61. And fewer people at the gym.
62. I want a new bike! :-)
63. I love Goodwill shopping. I think it runs in my family!
64. I wish I were another size or two smaller. Working on it!
65. That is about the only thing I'm impatient about.
66. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm on television. LOL
67. JON!! just sent me some WEIRD link...
68. I LOVE helium balloons, and I'm not talking about sucking the air out. They're just so cheerful!
69. <--- this is my apartment number.
70. After 26 years in the same house, my parents are talking about moving-- far far away.
71. It's definitely going to happen-- just not sure where or when exactly.
72. My feelings on this are still undecided.
73. I'm getting a fancy diploma in less than 4 months!
74. One month of that time, I will have NOTHING to do but suck up free air!
75. My ex used to call me "Jellybean," and those were all over the place today! Bad day, indeed. :-P
76. Only 24 more!
77. I wish my cell phone rang more often.
78. You should call me...
79. Sober this time, Jon.
80. My brother and I are going to "DukesFest 2005" in Bristol, TN-- which is a festival all about The Dukes Of Hazzard!
81. I'm growing my hair out to my butt (4-6" to go!) to donate to Locks of Love.
82. Later this month, I'm going to a cookout at my brother-in-law's fire station just to check out the hot guys!!
83. I have a complete portfolio of all my kickass psychology work online, but I will not share the link with anyone online because it has my real name... but believe me, it's pretty damn cool.
84. I will be adding a TON more stuff in another week or two on female serial killers.
85. I like photography. (little known fact)
86. I do not believe that showering is required if family is the only group you will be coming in contact with.
87. Camping is a wonderful adventure!
88. I have seen FAR too many pictures of people's asses without warning in the last few days. I hate being ass flashed!
89. I played my first drinking game on Valentine's Day this year and got to be Asshole most of the night!
90. My brother-in-law and I use CB talk when we send text messages to each other.
91. When I workout, most of the time I imagine I'm laying poolside in some sunny tropical paradise.
92. It bothers me that women stand around naked in the locker room and just talk-- making no additional effort to get dressed as they're doing so.
93. I iron my jeans.
94. My roommates and I miss elementary school lunches- like pizza and spaghetti out of a bucket!
95. I discovered that I can clean up my room in 10 minutes if someone else will be seeing it, but other than that, it doesn't happen often.
96. My plans for this weekend include a trip to southern Indiana and formal!
97. Good news: My prom dress fits better now than it did my senior year of high school! 4 years ago!
98. It is past my bedtime...
99. I am attempting to go to the gym EARLY in the morning this week. To see if it's possible.
100. Look, I dropped sweet potatoes on my shirt earlier and didn't notice. Thank God I have that shelf!

I found it!

2005-03-24T19:06:00.000-12:00

The wood!! I went back along the same road tonight, and I SAW THE WOOD! Ha, she wasn't hallucinating.

I went to Tar-je to look at the fuzzy Pimps, but I was not impressed. It's hard to find a good Pimp in this day and age. What's a girl to do for Easter?! Wow... is it a serious Freudian slip that I just typed Eater instead of Easter? I'm not even touching that one!

Back to researching female serial killers... because if I don't work hard enough on this project, I'll end up with a B.. and NOT a 4.0 ..and then my life is over. Kidding, but at least college will be!

Oh, and I have a dress for formal now... but it would indeed be more fun with a date. Nah, I'm too hot for a date. The only time I had a date for a formal dance, he made the evening miserable. I'm noticing a pattern of male behavior in that direction actually, but I won't start that. Yes, as I said... screw those with penises, let's concentrate on female serial killers!

Great Minds

2005-03-23T21:32:00.000-12:00

think alike. However, I'm also finding out that Not-So-Great Minds think a like too!

I was driving to dinner with my roommate tonight when I spot something in the road. "What IS that? ... bread! Two loaves of bread! Did you see that?"

"No, I was looking at that huge piece of wood!"

"What wood?"

"I don't know... it was just a huge piece of wood on the balcony of one of those apartments!"

So on the way back home, I look for the wood, and she looks for the bread. At this point we're both laughing uncontrollable at how udderly stupid and completely random those two things would be-- and the fact that they drew so much of our attention.

By the time we got back to the apartment, she says, "You know what we need?"

Being a smart ass and knowing what party animals we are (sarcasm), I answer, "Alcohol!"

"That's exactly what I was thinking?"

"Why didn't you say something while we were out?"

"Because you were looking for the wood!"

The uniqueness of this entire experience has caused us to laugh so hard that we can't even walk up the stairs!! It was only made funnier by the fact that when I got home earlier, I'd asked if she'd seen the duck smashed in the pothole.

Damn, college is soooo exciting!!

Someone check the gas

2005-03-21T20:55:00.000-12:00

...I think it's leaking in to our apartment!

Maybe it's the tests I've had to put up with... maybe it's a gas leak... I know I haven't been drinking.

But when you roommate tells you that she "slept like crack... I mean, crap!" HAHAHA, crack! How funny is that? I was breathless for the next 15 minutes.

If that weren't enough, then she explains why she slept like crack because of her cat. Next she tries to demonstrate how her cat meows like a dog.... Yes, I thought the same thing you're thinking, "I've never HEARD a dog meow." Trust me, the impression was 10x better than the mental image.

Now, I have a forensic psychology test to continue not studying for... and then I'm going to bed. I just didn't want to leave Jon with nothing to projectile coffee through his nose at! :-)

Letter From Heaven

2005-03-19T18:23:00.000-12:00

Maybe this sounds stupid, but I'm trying to edit my profile on AIM, but for some reason, I am struggling to erase the "In Memory Of"'s that have been on there. Like deleting them is going to say, "I don't care about you anymore." I know that's not true, but so that they will always have their corner of the world, I'm posting this for my grandmother, for Scott, for Louisa, and for the loving families they left behind. If you could write a letter to us, I would hope it sounds something like this:

Letter From Heaven

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

~Author~
Ruth Ann Mahaffey

Who stole my pen?

2005-03-19T11:28:00.000-12:00

And replaced it with that blue one??

I like the red.

Stop playing games with me, people!

Jon, what am I doing at the gym today besides not having a picnic?

Excitement - Auf Deutsch!

2005-03-19T09:05:00.000-12:00

Seriously, you'll wet your pants from what I'm about to say. Go ahead, I'll wait here while you grab another pair... Okay. Since I'm done with my major after this semester, and all I need are useless credit hours (another post entirely), I finally have time to take a class or two I want! I decided to brush up on my German so that if I decorate my resume with it, I actually remember how to speak it as well!

I took my placement test today and tested in to the third semester which is fine by me, but the ROCK YOUR FACE OFF part is that, assuming I get a C or better in 201 (cake walk), I get the credit hours for 201, 101, AND 102!!! That's 11 FREAKING CREDIT HOURS for the price of 3! AND 11 out of the 13 I need this summer... so with four+ hours of German every day for a little over a month, I'm virtually done! Ha ha! I'll take it!

Operation Graduation concludes in T minus 4 1/2 months!

Hello, Diploma!!

See, your crotch is all wet now, isn't it?

Will It Never End?

2005-03-15T19:23:00.000-12:00

So for any one who knows the relevance of what I'm about to say, please keep us in your thoughts. For those who don't, bear with me. If I could write a letter to my niece about the past 2+ years, it would go something like this:

Dear (Annette's Niece),

I have so much to say to you, and I know you have had so many questions. Some you have had the courage to ask, and we have always tried to answer them the best way we knew how. First of all, I want you to know that none of this was your fault. You did NOTHING wrong. You did not deserve what you went through. One day, when you ask, and we feel like you would understand, we will explain to you what happened and try our best to answer why. It will be very hard for you. Not only because you were so involved in it, but also because we like to believe that those we love and care about the most are good people. In your case, this will be especially painful to hear. I am sorry for that, but always know that we love you very much. We fought to have you back home. We knew where you belonged and did all we could to get you there.

It was so hard for us not to do more, but our hands were tied. We were restricted very much in what we could do, and it hurt us so much! When you sat on Audie's lap while he was pretending to be Santa and said that all you wanted for Christmas was your family back, my heart broke in to a million pieces. I still cry that a child would ever have to ask for that, especially a child who has a family that loves them sooo much! There was little comfort we could offer when you came home hysterical from the fair because you wanted to be there again with D and Justice again like you always had been. I have never seen anyone get so worked up and make themselves sick from crying that hard... and we sat by helpless to do anything to really make it better. We took note of each time you would hold your baby sister and brother and tell them, "They can never take YOU away from me!" It was obvious that you'd been threatened with losing your mother at the very least, but we couldn't discuss it.

There were so many times and opportunities we wanted to just burst and tell you everything at once about what was happening, but it knew it was best not to. You couldn't have understood, and you wouldn't have wanted to hear it. That will take time. We're all here for you, and it kills us that we can't do more to guide you through this. We had to take the high road. If we had told you the truth, it would have just seemed like a petty cat fight with the other side and a blatant attempt to just make them look bad. We didn't want to lose you emotionally too. We knew we were all you had. Someday, you will know what happened, and I am sorry for that. You know more than any seven year old should know about most things, and for that I am sorry too. But know that we love you. We have always loved you. And we always will. Know that we understand the situation you were put through, and we do not blame you. We do not dislike you. There is nothing you could ever do to lose the love of this family. They are amazing people, indeed. When you are ready, we will be here... just as we have been for the last seven years.

We love you, baby.

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2005-03-14T21:21:00.000-12:00

What happens when I get bored... thanks Jon! Here's a wonderfully entertaining survey that takes lots of wasted time to fill out and post! I deleted any questions I didn't feel like answering (some were a little too personal) or didn't have a smart ass remark for!

I see: duh, the computer
I need: a back massage!
I find: things I've misplaced when I clean my room! I did that tonight!
I want: this semester to be over!
I have: too much crap due all at the same time.
I wish: I could move to Florida, change my name, and live the rest of my days on the beach!
I love: my teddy bear!
I hate: cold rain
I miss: talking to some of my old friends.
I fear: not getting what I want out of life (the school, the job, the family eventually)
I want/need to: go to sleep... still running on those same 3 hours I mentioned before
I feel: like working out!
I hear: Brooks & Dunn
I smell: chlorine from swimming earlier! Wahoo!!!
I crave: chocolate ice cream!
I search: for my keys a lot!
I wonder: where I'll be 5 years from now...
I regret: taking myself too seriously all this time

When was the last time I ...
Smiled?: today I'm sure
Laughed?: also today
Cried?: hmm, Friday at Scott's funeral
Bought something?: Well, I bought a candy bar today... ??
Danced?: I dance in my car all the time! Stare if you must-- I have a blast!
Were sarcastic?: I never stop.
Kissed someone?: Saturday evening
Talked to an ex?: Friday afternoon
Watched your favorite movie?: about a week ago
Had a nightmare?: last night

--Favorite--
Number: 64
Color: blue
Place: a warm beach, or the woods in autumn
Country: I like this one alright. Enlgand has always enchanted me, but I've never been there. France sucked. Germany was okay-- at least it's not France.
Book: Grace for the Moment, The Vagina Monologues; I don't know... most of my reading these days is about serial killers
Game: A.S.S. (we made it up at work), Euchre, the quiet game
Drink: milk
Pop: Dr Pepper or Vanilla Cream Soda
Drug: ? Nyquil if I'm sick... what a drug indeed!
Condom: isn't that an odd thing to have a "favorite" of? I don't personally.
Movie: Road to Perdition, Remember the Titans
Store: Kohl's, Finish Line
Person: my sister, Monkey
Internet activity: IM

---Do You---
Cut urself: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I have a fear of cuts and sharp objects! honestly.
Take meds you shouldnt: nope
Pick your nose: all the time, but only when I think people aren't watching!
Lick urself: maybe if I'd just had some Dorito's or something... but not normally ??
Whine a lot: nope
Yell a lot: NO YOU CRAZY BASTARD!! WHY WOULD YOU ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!
Hate a lot of people: nope, only fake people
Have too many friends: nope
Want to die: Immortality is not on my birthday list. Eventually, I want to die.. otherwise my wrinkles will eventually take over and make me indistinguishable from a pug.
Go to church: haven't for a long time
Love school: it's okay... I will love it more once I have a diploma!
Have a bf/gf: not anymore!
Have sex: do I or have I?
Wear dark colors: yes
Try to be different: not consciously... I BE ME!
Have any peircings: 3
Break bones a lot: not so much since I stopped playing rugby
Watch porn: nope
Dye your hair: nope
Shave strange places: define strange. If that's asking what I think, then no. I prefer wax.
Sweet talk people: nope

---Have you ever----
Kissed someone: umm, yes
Had sex: umm, yes
Frenched someone: ummm, yes
Given oral sex: ummm, did you know that today (well yesterday now) is National Steak and a Blowjob Day??
[Deleted]
Killed someone: no, but keep up the questions and we'll see
[Deleted]
Masturbated: umm, maybe once or twice, LOL
Shopped for condoms: nope
Gotten Drunk: nope
Worn rainbow: What?!
Talked on the phone for over 3 hours: Yes. I miss those times.
Left the country: Yes.
[Deleted for being lame]
[Deleted for being unoriginal]
Taped yourself having sex: hard to hold the camera still AND have sex... don't you think?
Stolen something: yes
Broken a bone: yes, quite a few
Ran away from home: no, but I wanted to a few times!
Burned yourself: not intentionally!
Made out in the movies: nope
Done *stuff* in the movies: nope [lame, but not deleted]
Cheated on someone: never
Wanted to cheat on someone: never
[Deleted for my own personal spite]
[Deleted for being unoriginal]
Been dumped: yes
Dumped someone: nope, only had one "official" relationship
Had a dream then the next day it happened: not that I recall, but I get deja vu once in awhile
Watched porn: nope
Called a porn hotline: no, you loser

Pick One:
Cat/Dog: dog
White/Black: black
Hot/Cold: hot
Far/Near: near
Water/Land: how about some water by the land?? oooohhhh, might that be a BEACH??
Kiss/Sex: kiss
Online/Phone: phone
Beer/Book: book
Novel/Poetry: novel
Music/Silence: MUSIC

--Dream Mate--
Short/Long Hair: short
Tall/Short: everyone is tall to me, idiot
Preppy/Dorky/Druggie: This is such a retarded question!
Freckles/No Freckles: Who really eliminates dates based on this? Freckles are cute as long as they're not distractingly apparent
Hair Color: dark
Hat/No: Again, very retarded question
Fat/Thin: I've dated both... not sure I have a preference anymore.
Makeup/No Makeup: Unless it's covering up distractingly apparent freckles, NO
Dressy/Casual: depends on what we're doing
Sex/Kisses: kisses
Holding hands/Holding 'other body parts': *rolling eyes* This survey must have originally been for 11-17 year olds! My preference is for hands... or pinkies work sometimes too!

Ahhh, almost an entire hour wasted! Goodnight, my friends!

A Little Trivia!

2005-03-14T17:51:00.000-12:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1. Annette

2. Anny or Annie

3. Kitty

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

1. chesney_babe

2. blueflamingo76

3. sweet_as_a_lamb

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My inclination to look for the good in everyone

2. my spontaneity

3. my laugh(s)

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. My guardedness from others

2. My messy bedroom

3. My hair

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. German

2. English

3. Cherokee

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Papercuts (no, SERIOUSLY!!), any cuts!

2. large bodies of water

3. spiders

FOUR OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. watch

2. fluffy socks

3. lotion

4. my straightening iron

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

1. robe

2. towel

3. N/A

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:

1. Kenny Chesney

2. Bon Jovi

3. Elvis Presley

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:

1. "Baby Girl" - Sugarland

2. "Gone" - Montgomery Gentry

3. "Heaven" - Andy Griggs

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS

1. Clog Dancing!

2. Trial Consulting ;-)

3. Working out early in the morning

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):

1. my best friend

2. security

3. laughter

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE

1. I was a dancer for 6+ years.

2. I was adopted.

3. I wasn't adopted because my mother said no one wanted me.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. smile

2. eyes

3. dark hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. tolerate 2+ drinks without realizing how incredibly funny everything is

2. whistle (can't anymore!)

3. pee standing up... damn!

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

1. decorating (or "personalizing") things, lol

2. reading

3. laying around channel surfing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. Lay on the beach and work on my tan... that would be orgasmic!

2. Go on a shopping spree (provided I had the money)

3. Sleep - got 3 hours last night and fell asleep in the bathtub just a little while ago!

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Trial Consulting!

2. maybe teaching Psych at a HS

3. N/A

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. LONDON, ENGLAND!!!

2. New York, New York - (I wanna wake up in the city that doesn't sleep!)

3. Corpus Christi, Texas

THREE KID'S NAMES:

1. Matthew

2. Lily

3. Jacob

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. See London

2. Have kids

3. Own a classic Mustang

Damn Unconditional Love

2005-03-13T20:27:00.000-12:00

I realised a few years back that I have this problem-- maybe it's not a "problem" though. Maybe not having it is a problem. Sometimes I feel like it's a curse, but more often, when I think of all the people I might have forgotten by now had I not had this ability, I think it's probably a good thing. Pretty rare from what I gather of other people.

I think back on people I've loved before, maybe I haven't seen or spoken to them for months or years, but realise that I never stopped loving them. No matter what they may have done to hurt me or un-deserve my love, it's like I have this comlete inability to un-love someone. Once I love them, they stay loved.

It can get rather confusing, but it also makes me smile quite often. Sometimes I get so angry with someone, I wish I could write them out of my heart. I feel like I want to stay mad forever. Other times I think it makes me a better person than most that I can't do either. For me, love is not something I can give or take away. It's there, and it stays there. Regardless of what someone may say or do.

One day I look around and realise that something has moved in right under my nose. Something I can't ever get rid of... damn. I will admit though- Love is my favorite damn disease!

Farther Along

2005-03-13T13:30:00.000-12:00

"Farther along
we'll know all about it
Farther along
we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother
live in the sunshine
We'll understand it
all by and by"

*sigh*

2005-03-10T08:40:00.000-12:00

I'm still reflecting on the events of the past few days this afternoon. I am going home to see Scott and his family today. The following lyrics help describe how I feel-- I just have so many questions that I will never know the answers to.

Just a Few Questions
"How in this world
can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need
for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
And a guy like me,
Has always been free.

And how can two people
who've built a lovin' home,
Try for years
and never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day
you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang
the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

And why did my cousin
have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen,
I still wonder 'bout that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
And some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day
you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang
the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like
you're hearing these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be
ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have."
-Clay Walker

We Shouldn't Have to do this...

2005-03-09T22:28:00.000-12:00

Allison's little brother Scott passed away Tuesday. He had a seizure Friday morning and remained in a coma at the hospital until he passed away. I went today to find something to send his family. I don't like the idea of sending flowers because flowers die, and they're just so impersonal to celebrate the life of someone-- unless a specific flower really meant something to them.

The last I saw Scott was at his high school graduation open house. By now Scott was 19, and I knew that he was married and expecting a baby. I set out looking for something his parents would like to remember him by or something the baby could hold on to as it grew up and wished he was still here. Store after store, finding only impersonal or meaningless trinkets, I got so mad. I was crying for myself and his family, and I just wanted to scream to everyone around me why I was there and that we shouldn't have to do this!! It just seems so unfair, and while I believe everything happens for a reason, I'm struggling so much to see why, with so many children readily abandoned by their fathers, God would decide to take one away on his own accord. Scott and his wife are having a daughter in May-- Lydia, a name they picked out together before he died. It's still so jolting to think about how young he was and everything he had to live for... and that he and his daughter will miss out on so much they should have shared. I just don't get it.

I can still see his smile and remember how he hugged me everytime I came over. He'd tell me he loved me in German, although he mispronounced it. Scott, "Ich 'Riebe' Dich!" Und Ich liebe Lydia. God Bless your family.

Just like Indiana weather--

2005-03-02T19:06:00.000-12:00

if you don't like the way things are going in LIFE, stick around a few minutes.... it'll change!!

If I've learned nothing else over the past few years it's that life is like trying to get to England in a rowboat. Just when you think you know what's up ahead, along comes a huge wave. It knocks you around, maybe throws you out of the boat. If you're lucky, you manage to hang on to something and climb back in. If you're not so lucky, you have to swim and hope you catch up before your boat drifts away forever forcing you to cling to- I don't know what. If life decides to be funny, perhaps the wave will just knock you on your ass and leave a big bruise-- one that prevents you from sitting for a few days. Would I have some words about that!

Some days you sit back in your little rowboat thinking, "this is nice... I could enjoy this for a while. A little sun, a little relaxation, nothing around for miles!" Then that pesky shark charges right at the side of your sad little rowboat, and you realise that suddenly this isn't so magical anymore. You pass a sign that says "Welcome to Shit Creek. Sorry, we're all out of paddles." You thank God that you're not in a raft at least, but you have to scramble to figure out what the hell is going on and what you should do in case of further attack.

My point to all this is that somedays it seems like everything is figured out, and in fact, things are working themselves out! Ahh, no sharks! And other days, you just have to watch your ass. I'm sitting in my rowboat tonight thinking, "I can't believe how well everything is going right now! Things are just falling in to my lap, and I might just see Liverpool yet!" I'll enjoy it for now and paddle as far as I can until the next time life decides to cue the "Jaws" theme.

Going Home

2005-02-24T18:40:00.000-12:00

It's amazing the kinds of things you can find cleaning out your desk!! Like my high school transcript, LOL! That'll come in handy, I'm sure!! It has occurred to me that when I graduate here, I will most likely be moving back in with my parents. At this point in time, it's the most economically sound plan I have since I will be working for a year before grad school (assuming I get in to one).... working to save money. So if I can STAND to live there, I should consider it.

Anyway, it also occurred to me that I would therefore be condensing everything I own (once again) to move home and then trying to fit everything in to my room there. I remember the last time I tried that. I was basically still packed to move out 3-4 months after I'd moved in. Convenient at least. I cleaned out my desk this evening, and I will probably hold off on the dresser until I actually move home.

My room at home sucks though. There's one way I can put the furniture- the way it is now. See, the room is long but not very wide, so the bed fits in one spot. The furniture I have is actually antique dining room furniture that my mom expects me to keep when I grow up and buy a house of my own. She thought it was a good idea for me to just use them now. They're nice and all but very heavy- they have not been moved in the 5+ years I've owned them. My mom told me a couple years ago that I could paint my room any color I wanted because I told her it just didn't feel like "me" much anymore. I picked out two to see which she'd like better, but since she didn't like either, my room is still boring and white. Neither color would've matched the antique furniture. Who cares? It builds character.

There's another minor detail-- a baby crib. Yes, I have a baby crib and not a baby. I am smarter than that, my friends. It takes up more room than it deserves, especially because it has to be pulled out from everything else so the babies don't pull stuff in to the crib. One already ripped my poster off the wall. Stupid kid. So I have a crib in the middle of MY room. I get to spend the night with a baby every time I go home. A baby that cries when you put it down or leave it in the crib. A baby whose mother puts her in THAT crib (oh yes, there's two cribs at our house) so that she doesn't wake up if the baby starts crying. No, wake me up instead. She told me, "Oh, she never cries!" "Yes she does. She wakes up 2-3 times a night, but you don't hear her. Trust me, she wakes up." Despite my many requests to have it removed, and the semester I spent living at home, working around when I could sleep or study because of someone else's damn kid, it is still there.

Thinking of all the reasons I'll HATE to move home has NOTHING to do with why any other college student dreads moving back in! Give me a curfew; limit my nights out; ask where I'm going all the time and when I'll be back; bring on the family dinners and contributing to the housework; BUT KEEP THAT DAMN KID AWAY!!

Sorting things out-

2005-02-16T20:18:00.000-12:00

Just a quick note to keep you up to date. I just finished a paper for my forensics class. I'm really hoping I do well in this class. I took it upon myself after last class to tell my professor that I am looking at grad school programs for forensic psychology, so I'm making connections now. I wanted to let him know fairly early that I am passionate about this class (and field) so he'll take note of my attendance, performance, and general interest in this class to write me a good recommendation later! :-) Good thinking, Annette!

He had rattled off a few grad school and programs, but I need to clarify whether I want a PhD or MA first and then ask for that list again. He told me that he does mentoring and advising for students who are really interested in it, so I made a good move in telling him. I'd already gathered from things he's mentioned in class that he has LOTS of experience and knowledge in the field-- the man has interviewed Ted Bundy and his family for crying out loud! Now I start making efforts to ask questions more often in class (even if I might already know the answer) to show my keen interest ;-)

I also asked if he gets information about conferences or conventions in Forensic Psychology that I might be able to go to, and he gave me some ideas as to where to look for that kind of info. Every time he mentions a book in class, I add it to my list of things to read once I'm done with the books I have already. Might as well advertise myself while I can, especially with the professor who teaches the ONLY undergrad class of the field I'm interested in! I think a grad school program in Forensic Psychology will favor a stellar recommendation from a Forensic Psychology professor more than another branch of psych, although I'm not limiting my options yet! The good thing about not going to grad school for another year is that I have plenty of time to build more connections and foster the ones I'm making now (ya know, to show my commitment and continued interest!).

That's all I've been thinking about lately- grad school, Denver, sorting things out for myself. Off to bed for me. I will get that 100 list done sometime!

Happy Singles Day!

2005-02-15T14:25:00.000-12:00

Last night I was invited out with "the girls," one of which I've known since elementary school, the others were acquaintances I made that evening. It turned out that as strange as it seemed to drive two hours to visit a friend I hadn't seen in a few years and meet "the girls" I'd be spending the evening with, it turned out to be wonderfully entertaining. Last night was just what I needed, and I had so much fun! Not only was it nice to have some fun, with just the girls, and not worry about anything with a penis, but up until now, I'd never had so much alcohol in one night. I learned the hard way that a Long Island iced tea in Lafayette is mostly Long Island and not so much tea!! It was a great time all around, and by far the best February 14th I've ever had. Never was one for the holiday, and I hadn't gone to Lafayette thinking it was a "bitter chick party." It was just us. Out for a night of drinking and laughing.

It was so nice just to step out of "my life" and be young for awhile. I put being so "me" on the shelf for a while and decided, as my dad tells me so often, to be young while I can. Good advice, Dad. Sorry it took so long for me to figure it out!

Oh, the irony

2005-02-14T08:11:00.000-12:00

So my "friend" called today. He flew to California this morning for work and sent me an IM which was the first we've spoken in weeks. I sent him a text message to call me tonight if he had the time, and shortly thereafter, my phone rang. With the man who hadn't spoken to me for more than 3 minutes for MONTHS and said he didn't have time for me, we talked for nearly twenty minutes. Just about what was going on and decisions we'd made for ourselves. He knows all about London and Denver now, and he sounded genuinely happy. Realistically, I could be happy with either a friendship or a relationship with him. Fortunately for me (sometimes not so fortunate), I do remain friends with the guys I have dated. Once I care for someone that much, it is impossible for me to cast them out of my heart entirely. I'm beginning to really think that maybe it was just bad timing for the both of us. Yes, we'd known each other for two years before we got together, and yes, the long distance thing worked, but we both have things we want to do. Sometimes it just works out better to do them all by yourself.

The second irony is that when you lose that person in your life, you regain the others. Not that I had intentionally stopped being with anyone-- no point really when your S/O is 1200 miles away. It's just that I have always found that when you truly need something, you will find it. Sometimes in new friends, sometimes in old friends, but always when you need it. The people around me have always really taken care of me emotionally, and usually coincidentally when I needed them but never said so. Only once did I have to call anyone and actually say, "Help me. Please." I've found them in high school and in Paris. I found them in the depths of clinical depression and desperation. I found them throughout my relationship, and I find them now to help me get back up and brush the dirt off my butt. There's an old song that says, "the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young." Amen.

A Month Later.....

2005-02-11T08:29:00.000-12:00

My sincere apologies for keeping you in suspense for so long!

Well, following my new found single-hood and the death of my grandmother, I really had an epiphany. Wow, big words. It occurred to me how much I had already decided to give up for "someone" who shall not be named and how much I would not have to give up in the future by possibly moving to be with him. I had put off grad school in part because I was considering moving to Florida where there was no program of my desire. I was going to be giving up the closest people in the world to me, mostly my family, without knowing when I would see them next or how often. I wouldn't miss seeing my nieces and nephew so often or having to send a card and check for their birthday when I couldn't make it. At my grandmother's funeral, I watched my dad and niece (who is 2) walk hand in hand away from me-- him in a suit and her in a little dress. It was adorable and almost made me cry to know that I'd still be around to see that. And in a few years (like 10!), when I have my own kids, they won't live 1200 miles away from grandparents that they don't see or know that well.

I also gave up trying to work in London. I found an opportunity about two years ago to go and work for a charity with room and board provided and a small weekly stipend. The chance for me to LIVE in London for 3-5 months is incredible for me. For some reason that city has always enchanted me, and for some other reason, I had decided to give it all up just so he wouldn't miss me. I've known all along that once I'm done with school and start working, the chances of me ever going or finding an opportunity like this again are slim to none.

It's all been more of a relief than anything else. It was really a reality check. I've made a lot of decisions to live for myself and worry about what's most important to me. I only get one chance, and when it's time for me to turn in my key here, I want to know that I didn't trade in my dreams to be safe or for the sake of someone else.

Living My Resolution!

2005-01-17T15:14:00.000-12:00

So the only "New Year's Resolution" I made was to have more faith in myself and really believe in what I'm capable of. Oops, I ended a sentence with a preposition :-P Anyway, with what's been going on with my not-so-better-half, I decided to let go of it. It bothers me still, yes, but I'm not going to waste my time worrying about what he's doing or why. I need to concentrate on myself. I turned in a job application today for the YOC, and most of the people I know who work there say they hire a lot of people so I'm hopeful. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile. Maybe so I'm more independent. Maybe so I don't define myself as a "student" forever. Maybe so he and I will both know that while he's doing his thing, I'm not at home, carrying around the cell phone in case it rings, and thus busy being 22 and as independent as can be expected in college.

Plus during all my time without him, I have been working on my resume and looking in to grad schools. It's too late to apply for grad school for next year, and I need a break. I want to support myself when I'm done with school (thus working now), and I would love to be able to pay my own way through grad school (thus the break to work between now and then). The thing about resolutions is, most require work. I can be stronger, and I can "believe in myself"-- but I need some plan to put in to action to reinforce my positive vibes. This is my plan.

Timing needs work apparently

2005-01-12T19:47:00.000-12:00

So I sent my special friend an email explaining my end of the situation that has been continuing for 3+ months now. I made my feelings VERY clear but made sure it was an informative email rather than a lecture. I know, email is impersonal for things like this, but I never get the opportunity for deep conversation on the phone anymore. A real letter would have been too slow in getting there. I wanted him to know as soon as possible so he was fully aware of the situation. I'm learning it's the hardest thing in the world to wait for something of which you really want a resolution! I'm trying to be patient.

I was slightly concerned when last night I got a goodbye and no three little words, but it wasn't completely out of the ordinary. This morning I got a "see you later" which I thought pretty odd, so I struggled all day not to disturb him at work wondering if I shot myself in the foot by opening my mouth in the email. Again tonight, goodbye, no three little words. He had explained to me partially the different mood since the email. Apparently I have horrible timing that coincides with news about his health.

I have a card here, signed, sealed, to be mailed tomorrow morning on my way to the gym. I'd just bought it a few days ago thinking I'd send it sometime out of the blue, but I thought it would be nice now. Maybe take some of the "pressure" (if there was that much) for a response to my email message. Now's not a great opportunity for him to devote a lot of time thinking about it. The card has some silly possum on the front-- his pet name from me is "Possum." I hope at least it makes him smile. My answer may take longer than I had anticipated when writing it, but I HAD been resting easier since I'd spoken my mind (or was it my heart?). Now I'm once again only worried about him taking care of what ever it is he needs to do for himself. This is much harder than I thought it would be!!

2005-01-11T10:35:00.000-12:00

What's the best course of action when someone you know and love is making a bad choice in matters of the heart? It is the belief of myself and several others who are close to this person that the "mate" they have chosen is FAR from acceptable (for this person, not just someone we would not choose for ourselves). Descriptive words that have been used include: manipulative, demanding, looking for money, controlling (a good one!), critical, cold, etc. Now in most cases, I would choose to let this individual make their own choices, live their own life, and deal with the consequences HOWEVER, plans for a house (that cannot be afforded), marriage, and tons of babies (who cannot be supported financially) are not only being discussed but looked in to.

This person has done things previously looked down upon by them and changed opinions previously very set in stone (personally)-- like not marrying before the age of 25, which they feel is also a good idea for most people. They are being pressured to do things for this "mate" because of what the "mate" desires and not what works or is right for his/herself.

Those who know this person that I have personally spoken to all agree it is a terrible mistake (if not worse) if this happens and all wish to speak to the individual before there could be a proposal-- or worse, a baby! What do you say to someone who is to completely blind (and unbelieveably stubborn) to what everyone else sees? How do you tell them and get them to consider seriously the validity of what you've said? I need to figure this out, and I need to do it soon! It would be the worse thing in the world to stand by and watch someone you love ruin their life (for years to come!) and not to have said a word when I could have.

a proper dedication

2005-01-09T16:04:00.000-12:00

This blog was created in honor of the man who promised to add me to his "drunk dialing" list. He once locked my keys in my car BEFORE going to a bar for my birthday. I used to have a nickname for high school, and I tried to convince him that I was stalking him. Until his girlfriend passed me a note one day asking who I was and how I knew him. I bet he remembers none of that. However, I will always think of him and his outstanding dance-while-driving abilities when I hear Outkast - "Hey Ya." This one's for you!